Self-Compassion: Ways to Begin Creating Kindness & Appreciation for Oneself

In a society where the pressure is on to keep the momentum going, it can be understandably difficult to slow down and take moments to be with things and individuals we value. However, it can be even more difficult to slow things down and take moments to be with just ourselves. For some, the idea of sitting with oneself is a foreign idea, others may question and ask, “Why bother?”, and others may feel they are undeserving of this action. By engaging in self-compassion, we can begin to create new routines in life that establish more control over the speed and directions of our momentums.

Kristin Neff, researcher who has dedicated years of studying self-compassion, has described the act of being compassionate to oneself as no different than being compassionate to a friend who is struggling and suffering. Kristin Neff stated, “Self-compassion simply involves doing a U-turn and giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself” (Neff, 2024). When we are not engaging in compassion towards others, we create missed opportunities for valuable relationships. Likewise, when we are not engaging in compassion with ourselves, we reinforce the belief that we are undeserving of compassion, continue to question the purpose of it, and create greater distances from being in touch with ourselves.

The act of being compassionate to oneself can feel as though we are navigating uncharted territory without a map: we may not know where to begin or how to begin moving forward with this concept. Kristin Neff listed out one of the first steps is being aware of your own human being, and what it means to be a human being. Kristin Neff stated, “Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.

Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals” (Neff, 2024). Part of the human experience is learning to embrace our humanness qualities. Once we create awareness of ourselves being a human being, we can move into the 3 qualities of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-Kindness

A general but genuine act of kindness can go a long way! Self-Kindness can come in many different shapes and forms - engaging in something you enjoy, buying yourself something that you have been wanting for some time, or allowing yourself to schedule a day (or however many) for oneself! “This inner support allows us to feel safe and puts us in a better frame of mind to cope with challenges or make needed changes in our lives” (Neff, 2024).

Common Humanity

We are creatures of habit, and part of our habits, whether we are fully aware of this or not, is we want to be a part of a community. We thrive as beings when we are seen, heard, and understood by others. We can start by talking to those we deem as close and supportive of us - the point of sharing our stories is not to have the other person fully understand the situation that led to us feeling a certain way, but rather to not feel alone in our internal experiences (i.e., thoughts, feelings, physical responses). The act of common humanity involves us opening up to others to begin cultivating a sense of understanding and inclusion.

“When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others” (Neff, 2024).

Mindfulness

There is a difference between being mindful versus ‘mindfull’. The act of mindfulness means being in the present moment, without placing judgment or over-identifying with what is going on in the present (along with the past and future). It is about allowing ourselves to do things one step at a time and doing so with intention. ‘Mindfull’ is the opposite it is when we are mentally, emotionally, and physically preoccupied with the past, present, and future all happening at once. When we are mindful of what is happening, we can learn to look at what we are experiencing (or not experiencing),, rather than looking from what lens of the experiences (i.e., ‘I think I am alone, therefore I am alone’). We can cultivate mindfulness by naming the experience, and noticing the unique thoughts and feelings related to self-compassion. “Mindfulness allows us to turn toward our pain with acceptance of the present moment reality. It prevents us from becoming “over-identified” with difficult thoughts and feelings, so we aren’t swept away by negative reactivity” (Neff, 2024).

Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion can be a unique journey for everyone. It is something that does not come with a manual or blueprint - it tends to be more open-ended as each individual comes from different walks of life. If you are unsure of where and how to begin, start by asking yourself these questions: “What is it that I need right now just for myself?”, “What could I start doing today to help address my own suffering?”, “How do I feel right now, and where do I feel the most pain in my body currently?”. Start small in constructing new roadways for yourself in a society that instructs us to go one way. Start by creating a path to what could eventually be a home to you - you as your own human being.