In a society where the pressure is on to keep the momentum going, it can be
understandably difficult to slow down and take moments to be with things and individuals we
value. However, it can be even more difficult to slow things down and take moments to be with
just ourselves. For some, the idea of sitting with oneself is a foreign idea, others may question
and ask, “Why bother?”, and others may feel they are undeserving of this action. By engaging in
self-compassion, we can begin to create new routines in life that establish more control over the
speed and directions of our momentums.
Kristin Neff, researcher who has dedicated years of studying self-compassion, has
described the act of being compassionate to oneself as no different than being compassionate
to a friend who is struggling and suffering. Kristin Neff stated, “Self-compassion simply involves
doing a U-turn and giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when
you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself” (Neff, 2024). When we are not engaging in
compassion towards others, we create missed opportunities for valuable relationships. Likewise,
when we are not engaging in compassion with ourselves, we reinforce the belief that we are
undeserving of compassion, continue to question the purpose of it, and create greater distances
from being in touch with ourselves.
The act of being compassionate to oneself can feel as though we are navigating
uncharted territory without a map: we may not know where to begin or how to begin moving
forward with this concept. Kristin Neff listed out one of the first steps is being aware of your own
human being, and what it means to be a human being. Kristin Neff stated, “Perhaps most
importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.
Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will
occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals” (Neff,
2024). Part of the human experience is learning to embrace our humanness qualities. Once we
create awareness of ourselves being a human being, we can move into the 3 qualities of
self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-Kindness: A general but genuine act of kindness can go a long way! Self-Kindness
can come in many different shapes and forms - engaging in something you enjoy, buying
yourself something that you have been wanting for some time, or allowing yourself to schedule
a day (or however many) for oneself! “This inner support allows us to feel safe and puts us in a
better frame of mind to cope with challenges or make needed changes in our lives” (Neff, 2024).
Common Humanity: We are creatures of habit, and part of our habits, whether we are
fully aware of this or not, is we want to be a part of a community. We thrive as beings when we
are seen, heard, and understood by others. We can start by talking to those we deem as close
and supportive of us - the point of sharing our stories is not to have the other person fully
understand the situation that led to us feeling a certain way, but rather to not feel alone in our
internal experiences (i.e., thoughts, feelings, physical responses). The act of common humanity
involves us opening up to others to begin cultivating a sense of understanding and inclusion.
“When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than
separates us from others” (Neff, 2024).
Mindfulness: There is a difference between being mindful versus ‘mindfull’. The act of
mindfulness means being in the present moment, without placing judgment or over-identifying
with what is going on in the present (along with the past and future). It is about allowing
ourselves to do things one step at a time and doing so with intention. ‘Mindfull’ is the opposite -
it is when we are mentally, emotionally, and physically preoccupied with the past, present, and
future all happening at once. When we are mindful of what is happening, we can learn to look at
what we are experiencing (or not experiencing),, rather than looking from what lens of the
experiences (i.e., ‘I think I am alone, therefore I am alone’). We can cultivate mindfulness by
naming the experience, and noticing the unique thoughts and feelings related to
self-compassion. “Mindfulness allows us to turn toward our pain with acceptance of the present
moment reality. It prevents us from becoming “over-identified” with difficult thoughts and
feelings, so we aren’t swept away by negative reactivity” (Neff, 2024).
Self-Compassion can be a unique journey for everyone. It is something that does not
come with a manual or blueprint - it tends to be more open-ended as each individual comes
from different walks of life. If you are unsure of where and how to begin, start by asking yourself
these questions: “What is it that I need right now just for myself?”, “What could I start doing
today to help address my own suffering?”, “How do I feel right now, and where do I feel the most
pain in my body currently?”. Start small in constructing new roadways for yourself in a society
that instructs us to go one way. Start by creating a path to what could eventually be a home to
you - you as your own human being.
Blog post written by Green Door Therapist Tanya Schmitz, LPC.
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